Can I be happy too?

Aside

Can I be happy too?

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update

Super super quick post about what’s been going on in my life. I am finally done with classes for 2nd year! We had our last GU/Repro exam (which I passed with less than stupendous scores- 77 & 78 -.-). But I passed nonetheless šŸ™‚ Now only one more OSCE before I am officially done with this year! After the OMM exam I celebrated with some friends at dinner and then some drinks and it almost felt like I was free until I realized I have a whole other huge exam to study for. Today was my first day of “hardcore” studying for the boards. I finished my first pass of uworld a few days before my last exam so now I’m doing 2 timed blocks of uworld/day + 50 combank questions (halfway done with first pass now) + 30pgs of FA. This all takes me from 9am-8ish with food/sanity breaks in between. So it really begins…

Ugh, you know that feeling when someone likes you, but you’re not really attracted to them, but they’re really nice to you so you try to be nice back. And then you realize that answering their texts is probably making them think you like them, but you don’t want to be rude so you just keep sending back short messages hoping that they’ll get the point. But then it’s a week later and they’re still texting you and with every new text you just dislike them more and more.

Yeah this is happening right now. And I never know what to do when I get the feeling a guy likes me but I’m really not into them. I usually am really forward with how I feel but then this guy told me I was doing it all wrong, so now I really don’t know how to handle situations like this. This is what happened. I met this guy through a friend and he was pretty cool and we got along well. Then one day he called me to go out to dinner in the city. I felt like I was on the spot because a) I don’t know when the last time a person actually CALLED me on the phone and b) I couldn’t think of a nicer way to say, “I’m just not that into you” so *obviously* the next best thing was “sure! let’s go!” -.-

Then the next day I texted him saying that he was cool but I didn’t want to give him the wrong impression and maybe we should hang out Ā instead with all our other friends in a group sometime. I thought it was a very nice and courteous text, not too rude or forward with my feelings. He told me we should still go to dinner anyways, just as friends. So we did, and it was actually really nice. I did get the feeling that he was still trying to impress me on the date but I guess that’s what naturally happens when a guy and a girl go out to a nice dinner together. So later in the night he told me that no one has ever denied a dinner with him like that before and I made it super awkwardĀ for him. He kept asking him why I texted him that and telling me it made the situation 10x more awkward than it had to be. I was pretty shocked because I thought I was being the mature person in the situation by telling him how I felt so as not to waste his time or mine. And I’ve pretty much always done this with all the guys that I wasn’t into. Ā Sometimes they get super defensive but most of the time I just get a “ok maybe some other time” and we both move on. But this guy kind of made me feel like I was being weird by telling him, thanks but no thanks.

For the record, I don’t constantly have a bunch of guys that I’m denying left and right. And I am sensitive to guys’ feelings if they ask me on dates that I’m just not into. I think you should never feel bad for not liking someone anyways. I’ve been rejected plenty of times also and the best way to approach dating is to know that if someone doesn’t really like you and tells you so, they’re saving you time that you might have wasted on them anyways.

So…for the current situation with this new guy texting me (like constantly, I’m not kidding)…I don’t know if I’m supposed to tell him that he’s annoying me and please stop (in a nicer way), or am I supposed to just go on a date with him than deny the second date? Or am I supposed to just ignore his texts completely? Ā I’ve been making it super obvious (to me at least, but I guess that’s the problem) by just sending one word responses and not asking him any questions back. I just want to know the most tactful way to deal with these things because I know it takes a lot of guts to say “I like you” to someone.

This post makes me feel like i’m in high school. I’m 23, have been in the dating game for over 7 years and this are still just as blurry. Dating is always annoying and awkward when you’re not dating the person you like I guess.

 

 

Today was not even a day

It was a beautiful 80 degrees out today, a warm welcome from the cold & windy days we’ve been having. In my head I was talking a walk in the city, I was laying on the grass reading a book, I was having coffee outside of a coffee shop. But I was inevitably pulled back to reality by the delightful sound of DIT’s Dr. Jenkins lecturing about medicare vs. medicaid and the nuances of healthcare payer systems. BLAH I hate this stuff. I had been doing DIT since 8 in the morning and it was 12 when I took a break for lunch. After lunch I went back to the library, back to DIT, and was fighting intense food coma for about an hour before I came to, then I started actually trying to answer the DIT questions. At 3 I had lab and we were doing cranial for the 3rd lab in a row and my professor turned off the lights and I sat and tried to feel my partner’s head for 2 hours. And one time I closed my eyes and actually felt something but at that point I wasn’t sure if it was the pulse in my fingers or tactile hallucinations or if I was just feeling myself breathe. And then I drove home in the sun and walked back into my house, sat down and did more DIT. I couldn’t focus because there was a swarm of ants where my mom left a mango peel on the kitchen counter and for about a half hour my brain switched back and forth between trying to care about medical ethics and ways to trap/kill all the ants without disgusting myself. So then I ate dinner with my mom and we sat awkwardly together, not saying anything as usual, but letting our mouth sounds and chewing communicate for us. Now it’s 9 and I just finished washing the dishes. I still have more DIT plus school lectures to stream.

Today wasn’t even a day. I don’t know if I actually accomplished anything, I don’t know if anything made me happy today. I don’t know if anything got me excited to start my day or end my day and literally, I don’t have any feelings for today except that it was warm and I was tired a lot and just nothing really. It could have just as easily not been a day in my life than if it was one. Lots of my days are like this, it just starts on its own and before I know it I’m eating dinner, washing the dishes and it’s over. I can’t say that I’m really happy at any point of my day but I’m not particularly sad either. I question a lot if it’s just the overwhelming amount of work from school that’s making me feel like this- am I just coping by feeling nothing about it. I do that a lot. I ask myself how my life would be different if I didn’t go to med school and if it’s stolen away my freedom to travel and practice the things I love. That makes me really sad šŸ˜¦ Actually that’s the only thing that makes me feel anything.

 

When I think about you, I hate myself. I hate myself for abandoning my self-esteem so easily that I allowed myself to stay in a ā€œrelationshipā€ with you for as long as I did. I hate myself for not leaving you forever after she warned me about you. I hate myself for the miles and money and time and feelings I wasted on you.

I don’t regret much in my life. I really only have two. My first regret is not taking a year off before going to med school. My second regret is staying with you.

When I think about all the nasty things you said to me, I want to puke. And the many times that I didnā€™t want to have sex with you but just did becauseā€¦ because I hated myself I guess, I want to puke.Ā When you would throw temper tantrums if I said no and then get annoyed when I wasn’t into it after.Ā When you called me names. When you told me I had a stomach and that I disgusted you. When you yelled at me for things that I didnā€™t do wrong. Thinking back it amazes me that I somehow always found a justification for your behavior. For EVERYTHING. I don’t know how I got so creative. But it’s really true what they say, when you’re the one in the relationship, you’re completely blind.

There moments when I really liked you. And for some reason those moments kept me floating along in the relationship. But most of the times you were terrible to me. Ā And I would cry all the time driving home, not knowing exactly why then. But I know exactly why now. Itā€™s because you traumatized and terrorized me. And I knew Iā€™d have to have this internal scar forever.

I carry it in all my relationships with guys now. I donā€™t trust people. I donā€™t feel comfortable being vulnerable in a relationship. I canā€™t let myself let go with another person because I felt so vulnerable with you. Itā€™s not all your fault, itā€™s mine too. For not lifting myself out of the situation and leaving. But itā€™s a lot of your fault and Iā€™m not letting you get away with it.

I hope that the next girl you meet never has to go through what I did. I hope the next girl is strong and can push back with the same force. Push you back to teach you a lesson… so you know how it feels.

I never even got to tell anyone about what went on in our relationship because Iā€™ve been so ashamed and feel foolish for letting anyone treat me the way you did. I didn’t tell my friends and I still haven’t because I don’t know how to express all my feelings about it and I’m worried my emotions are going to come down like a waterfall if I relive everything that happened. And I don’t want to give you any more of that. You can’t have any more feelings from me, you can’t have anything. I don’t want to answer your messages and I don’t want to just be friends. I don’t even want an apology. Now that itā€™s out and written down, Iā€™m letting it go forever.

You were the worst. Bye.

Regional results!

Today i opened a very happy email telling me that I was accepted to do a regional rotation at the only hospital I applied to next year! That means no filling out a lottery or commuting everywhere and one less thing to worry about! phew, glad that’s done.

Today I also had a patientĀ encounterĀ practical where I had to do a history on 2 patients and they provide feedback after. The first one kind of threw me off because she presented with a chief complaint of “trying to get pregnant for the last 2 years but was unsuccessful”. I’m always used to doing histories for pain complaints or med refills so when she said that I took a few minutes to come up with questions to ask her. At the end when she asked me how I thought the encounter went I told her I didn’t think it was my best, because I was hesitating to come up with questions to ask her. To my surprise she felt totally opposite. She told me she felt super comfortable talking to me, that I was friendly and empathetic and even wrote “excellent” on my eval sheet. I was pretty shocked but told her that I was glad I came off that way in the encounter. I realized after that patients judge you not necessarily on how good your clinical skills are, but almostĀ completely and immediately on your bedside manner. They can’t tell if you’re ordering the right tests or if your differential was long enough. But they can tell if you smile at them when you walk in, if you show empathy when they’re describing their symptoms, when you take time to explain what you know to them. And I’ve noticed that in most of my patient encounters I’ve gotten feedback that I show a lot of empathy and that in itself can carry you a long way with your patients. For me, I think empathy that’s always come easily to me. I cry at theĀ tiniestĀ things. I love hearing about peoples’ feelings. It’s almost as if I absorb all of those feelings within me and that how I connect with people. It’s actually a burden sometimes. But sometimes it’s really helpful because even though I know these people in our encounters are actors, IĀ genuinelyĀ react as if they were going through what they’re telling me. And as a patient myself, I often wish that my doctors would spend a little more time asking me questions about how I feel (about getting procedures or any stresses in my life). I hope when I have my own patients I’ll remember this and not get blindsided by $$ and a full waiting room.

Robots scare me.

Today was hard. In our school we have this awesome robot that we use to practice emergency medicine. The robot can be programmed to have heart/lung sounds, a pulse, respond to any medications, oxygen or CPR that you give it. It can speak, it’s pupils react to light…it’s pretty much amazing. Anyways today we had a robotics case that was really hectic. She presented with hyperkalemia & hyperglycemia as a complication of missed dialysis (CKD) and diabetes. She was asystole within minutes and on top of that her husband and daughter came into the room while we were trying to intubate. We had to give her CPR which took a while to get into the groove of for us. I was in charge of meds so we gave her IV CaCl, IV bicarb, IV saline, epi and insulin. A group member tried to intubate her once her pulse came back but it was so difficult that it took about 4 tries and 3 people (including me) until she was intubated. At the end of the practical, I was sweating, my face was red and my heart was pumping. I felt defeated, even though the patient did not die and I feltĀ embarrassedĀ in front of the patient’s family. And this was over a robot! The whole way home I was thinking about what we did wrong and how unorganized we were. Was I supposed to give her different meds? Did I intubate her the wrong way? It was definitely not my best performance and I found myself being very lost a lot of the time (and the whole scene lasted only 20 min).

Then I thought I have to work HARD. I have to know my meds so that when it’s a real patient on the table, I know what to give to save her. I have to know how to perform procedures like CPR and intubation like it’s second nature. I have to practice with EVERY chance I can get once I get into the hospitals. This is critical! Not for my life, for real human beings’ lives. And I felt the weight of responsibility that is put on physicians, in particular critical care physicians. I’m not sure if I can actually handle it as a lifelong profession but there will be a time when I need to become so intimate in emergency settings because it’s hectic! and everyone is relying on you to know what to do. So I’ve GOT to learn everything I can. Hopefully when I’m actually in that position I will confidently execute what I need to and not hide in the crowd like I’m so comfortable doing.