Today was not even a day

It was a beautiful 80 degrees out today, a warm welcome from the cold & windy days we’ve been having. In my head I was talking a walk in the city, I was laying on the grass reading a book, I was having coffee outside of a coffee shop. But I was inevitably pulled back to reality by the delightful sound of DIT’s Dr. Jenkins lecturing about medicare vs. medicaid and the nuances of healthcare payer systems. BLAH I hate this stuff. I had been doing DIT since 8 in the morning and it was 12 when I took a break for lunch. After lunch I went back to the library, back to DIT, and was fighting intense food coma for about an hour before I came to, then I started actually trying to answer the DIT questions. At 3 I had lab and we were doing cranial for the 3rd lab in a row and my professor turned off the lights and I sat and tried to feel my partner’s head for 2 hours. And one time I closed my eyes and actually felt something but at that point I wasn’t sure if it was the pulse in my fingers or tactile hallucinations or if I was just feeling myself breathe. And then I drove home in the sun and walked back into my house, sat down and did more DIT. I couldn’t focus because there was a swarm of ants where my mom left a mango peel on the kitchen counter and for about a half hour my brain switched back and forth between trying to care about medical ethics and ways to trap/kill all the ants without disgusting myself. So then I ate dinner with my mom and we sat awkwardly together, not saying anything as usual, but letting our mouth sounds and chewing communicate for us. Now it’s 9 and I just finished washing the dishes. I still have more DIT plus school lectures to stream.

Today wasn’t even a day. I don’t know if I actually accomplished anything, I don’t know if anything made me happy today. I don’t know if anything got me excited to start my day or end my day and literally, I don’t have any feelings for today except that it was warm and I was tired a lot and just nothing really. It could have just as easily not been a day in my life than if it was one. Lots of my days are like this, it just starts on its own and before I know it I’m eating dinner, washing the dishes and it’s over. I can’t say that I’m really happy at any point of my day but I’m not particularly sad either. I question a lot if it’s just the overwhelming amount of work from school that’s making me feel like this- am I just coping by feeling nothing about it. I do that a lot. I ask myself how my life would be different if I didn’t go to med school and if it’s stolen away my freedom to travel and practice the things I love. That makes me really sad 😦 Actually that’s the only thing that makes me feel anything.

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