When I think about you, I hate myself. I hate myself for abandoning my self-esteem so easily that I allowed myself to stay in a “relationship” with you for as long as I did. I hate myself for not leaving you forever after she warned me about you. I hate myself for the miles and money and time and feelings I wasted on you.

I don’t regret much in my life. I really only have two. My first regret is not taking a year off before going to med school. My second regret is staying with you.

When I think about all the nasty things you said to me, I want to puke. And the many times that I didn’t want to have sex with you but just did because… because I hated myself I guess, I want to puke. When you would throw temper tantrums if I said no and then get annoyed when I wasn’t into it after. When you called me names. When you told me I had a stomach and that I disgusted you. When you yelled at me for things that I didn’t do wrong. Thinking back it amazes me that I somehow always found a justification for your behavior. For EVERYTHING. I don’t know how I got so creative. But it’s really true what they say, when you’re the one in the relationship, you’re completely blind.

There moments when I really liked you. And for some reason those moments kept me floating along in the relationship. But most of the times you were terrible to me.  And I would cry all the time driving home, not knowing exactly why then. But I know exactly why now. It’s because you traumatized and terrorized me. And I knew I’d have to have this internal scar forever.

I carry it in all my relationships with guys now. I don’t trust people. I don’t feel comfortable being vulnerable in a relationship. I can’t let myself let go with another person because I felt so vulnerable with you. It’s not all your fault, it’s mine too. For not lifting myself out of the situation and leaving. But it’s a lot of your fault and I’m not letting you get away with it.

I hope that the next girl you meet never has to go through what I did. I hope the next girl is strong and can push back with the same force. Push you back to teach you a lesson… so you know how it feels.

I never even got to tell anyone about what went on in our relationship because I’ve been so ashamed and feel foolish for letting anyone treat me the way you did. I didn’t tell my friends and I still haven’t because I don’t know how to express all my feelings about it and I’m worried my emotions are going to come down like a waterfall if I relive everything that happened. And I don’t want to give you any more of that. You can’t have any more feelings from me, you can’t have anything. I don’t want to answer your messages and I don’t want to just be friends. I don’t even want an apology. Now that it’s out and written down, I’m letting it go forever.

You were the worst. Bye.

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2 thoughts on “

  1. Oh geez, do I relate to this… realized today that I am so SICK of having tears in my eyes all the time….making myself sick over him and why he refuses to do right …I hope I can find your strength. Hugs. 😦

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