So for this spring break, I decided that I was going to go through all of Pathoma again and then study all of micro (plus the regular 50 uWorld questions every day that I have been doing). I am glad to say that I am pretty much staying on track with my plans! It’s been a super productive spring break which is more than I can say for any other break I’ve had so far. Literally, every break since I’ve started med school has been just me chillin on a beach, or in a hostel, or on the couch. And I’m not complaining about that either, I just know that I’ve got to put in my time now.
I did however manage to put Husain on pause and squeeze in some R&R. I met up with some of my college friends and we spent hours catching up over food 🙂 Then today, I went into the city…alone. I’ve always wanted to walk the Brooklyn Bridge and see the WTC after 9/11 but just never could get someone to go with me. It was a gorgeous day so I was glad to take advantage of it. I took a train into Brooklyn and then walked towards Manhattan. The bridge is actually stunning, if only it wasn’t so polluted with people and angry bicyclists. Then I headed to the WTC memorial. I didn’t know you had to get tickets to go inside the site -.- so I kind of just encircled the area, took some pictures and called it a day. On my way back uptown I stopped at xi’an’s famous foods for some hand pulled noodles. The cold noodles (liang pi) were not as good as I thought they would be. At least not good enough to meet my expectations of an Anthony Bourdain approved dish. And the cheese-like gluten slices just rubbed me the wrong way. Caseous necrosis anyone? I also got the stewed pork burger which totally made up for the meal.
When I got back on the eastbound train home, I felt exhausted. It was a great day but maybe not as enjoyable as if I had someone to share it with. This “experiment” I guess you can call it, of adventuring out on my own with the intention of finding joy in my own company just kind of made me feel more lonely. I’ve never gone into the city without a motive of meeting up with friends or my boyfriend, so today was the day to explore the city on my own. I loved walking on the bridge but after the thrill of crossing something else off my bucket list, I was tired and wanted to head back. Riding the train home, I felt like the day’s experiences meant a little less to me than if I would have shared it with someone else. I don’t know exactly how to describe it, but after 4 hours of saying no words to anyone, I was just over it. Shouldn’t we be able to do things that we like without having to need someone next to us? This is what I thought was meant by, you have to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with anyone else. I was trying to have that today…to walk freely in the city, following only my desires. But at the end of the day, I’m not sure that being without someone is OK. And that really scares me! …or was it just weird that I went around the city by myself without even a friend to come with me?
Do women (or men) who don’t get married/remarried feel truly happy going through life alone or is it always a silent struggle within them to pretend like they’re happy being without a significant other? Of course I have moments in my life where I am completely complete by myself. And then it’s like once I lay down to go to sleep, a wave of loneliness pervades my thoughts. I hate it! and I even tell myself that this is NOT me! I am the last one to bring attention to myself for being single (besides on this blog I guess) and I don’t want other people to feel sorry for me. I just can’t separate myself from my feelings of loneliness and I wish I could. I really wish that I couldd because I hate when I am crying that I might be #foreveralone. Actually, I want to confront the fact that yeah, maybe I will be forever alone, but that’s OK and it’s not necessarily a terrible thing. I want to be strong enough on my own that anyone coming into my life will only be adding to it and not the foundation of it. One day I want to be able to be really happy without it having to be attached to anything/anyone else. And I just want to know if that’s genuinely possible or not.